And unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to the point of feeling pure joy from it yet, as this passage in James tells me to...
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)
Maybe it’s because I’m still processing some things and the “perseverance hasn’t finished its work”.
Already though, I have learned some valuable lessons that have matured my faith but the processing, growing and maturing is a struggle for sure. There are days, like today, where I just feel empty and like an emotional wreck but its in those moments when I feel such a strong prompt and desire to withdraw from the world and rest in His arms. And its in these times where I have poured myself into learning more about the woman God has designed me to be.
You know those rare times when you hear a song for the first time and you soak up every word because it seems as if the lyrics have captured your every feeling? A few weeks ago “In Your Arms” by Meredith Andrews came up on my Pandora playlist and yep, that’s where I was. Fully entrenched in this song that has continued to speak to me still. (So much that I bought her album on iTunes... which is a big deal for me since I rarely buy music.)
Here are the lyrics. The first three paragraphs are what really drew me in...
I’m turning the world off
Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear
I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear
So I close every door
Put my face back on the floor
And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms
I’m letting my fears go
Giving You control
For You are the one who holds me closer
In my soul's darkest night
Everything I see
Is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight
Now I close every door
Put my face back on the floor
To sit at Your feet
At Your table of mercy
To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord
To drink from Your well
And be changed by Your glory
How could I ask for more
Jesus, how could I ask for more
Goodness knows, I have read more books, listened to more worship music, and spent more time praying and journaling than I have over the past year. I was left where the only thing that made sense was to turn the world off, embrace the silence and let God hold me in His arms. It wasn’t completely natural at first, kinda lonely to be honest after how busy I had made myself, but completely wonderful as time went on.
Unfortunately I don’t think I would have gotten to a point where I would have done this had it not been for two situations in my life that happened almost simultaneously. One caused me to take a closer look at my plate and readjust some things in my life and the other caused me to seek out direction for my future. (The latter, I will go into on another post as it deals with the World Race which is something I have more freedom to talk about now.)
So while I haven’t felt “pure joy” yet, as I mentioned above, I have recognized that without everything that happened, God wouldn’t have gotten me to where I am now because I wouldn’t have needed to withdraw from the life I had found myself in. I still feel a little empty and a little lost and that my life is still shaken up a bit but then again as I was rereading through my past journal entries tonight, I guess I kinda asked for it...
From 7/1/11 “...Flood through my heart like a mighty rushing wave, removing everything in its path that doesn’t belong. Wreck me to where all the pieces are left for only you to put back together....Explode in my life and just leave me exuding your love, your patience, your forgiveness, your insight... God these are things I need to get past where I am right now...”
I know I’m rambling, as I always do, but all of this to say... I’ve come to the understanding that it is a painful honor to be loved so much by my Father that He brings trials into my life to test my faith in order to refine me, to empty me, to mature me, to ultimately draw me closer to Him. Right now its a bittersweet but its a joy that will be realized as he puts the pieces back together and fills me back up with all of Him-His love, patience, forgiveness and insight.
